The time for healing of the wounds has come.
The time to build is upon us...
We pledge ourselves to liberate all our people from the continuing bondage of poverty, deprivation, suffering, gender and other discrimination - there is no easy road to freedom...
None of us acting alone can achieve success. We must therefore act together as a united people, for reconciliation, for nation building, for the birth of a new world.
Nelson Mandela
No easy way to freedom... Emotional freedom in my case. A thing I can only dream of. No matter how hard I try to prove to myself (and others) that I am over him, that I don't care about him anymore... Reality is something completely different. I am still deeply in love with him and nothing that can chance those feelings... It's a knife that cuts deep into my heart and soul. I feel a big emptiness and a deep loss. My mind tells me to let go of it all, but the heart does not want listen. No matter how hard you try, it does not go away. The feeling stays and it even gets worse. I would give everything I have, everything I owe, just to have him by my side. Heart in agony, longing for something far away and out of reach.
Never felt the need to see him every day nor talk to him on the phone for hours. Probably because you know that when the need is there, you can just knock on his door. When that certainty is no longer there, the missing part starts. All the little things that seemed for certain are no longer certain. You start to realize what it meant to you and you know things will never be the same again. Things have changed. Whether you like it or not, that's just the way it is. You can accept it and just move on or you can fight for what you are worth. If you chose to fight, know that it will not be easy. When you bump your head to the wall, you will divided into two different persons. Person one, also called the brain or rational element, will say just to move on and stop wasting your emotions and energy. Second person is more stubborn and is called the heart or emotional element. This person is not easy to convince because no matter how much bruises, bumps or denial you suffer, it will keep hoping for a change. It keeps hoping that everything will become like the old days.
People always say that you should just move on and that time will heal your wounds. But hearing those words does not cut it when the pain is searching wounds in your heart. I do not care about what will happen tomorrow. I live one day at the time and all I want is this pain to go away today. All the feelings that I will feel tomorrow or the day after are still in the present. I will handle those when the time is there. But now I feel this pain today! Not yesterday, not tomorrow but now!
They say never to judge a book by its cover. So why are people judging me based on my looks? I may look innocent and all of that but I am not. Accept it and do not look shocked. Also never measure me with your own standards. The life I am living does not compare to your world. There is no single law that says you have to treat two different things equally. As a matter of fact, it is the opposite.
If you want to believe in something, a god or anything else, go ahead. I am not stopping you because everyone is free to believe in whatever he/she wants. But also respect my freedom to not believe in it. I do not need you to approve the way I live. If you do not like it, than look the other way but please do not start preaching. I chose another path a long time ago. I chose not to believe in the same thing as you did. Respect that and do not start a long sermon about me going to hell or about him loving everyone, also those who turned their backs on him. As I said, I chose not to believe in that a long time ago so all the words you are saying mean nothing to me. You cannot be loved by someone that does not exist.
If I am dirty, than that is my business. We live in different continents. What is common and accepted over here may not be over there. Open your eyes and realize that there are huge differences. Different cultures and different mentalities. You think yours is the only good one and I think you need to open your eyes and look past the familiar. We disagree but do not call me a sinner. Because if I am a sinner, millions others are sinners too. Open your eyes, see another world and no one is forcing you to like it, we only ask you to keep your mouth shut just the way we keep it shut when you start preaching your nonsense.
Yes I did have some adventures, some of y'all may know what kind of adventures. Does that make me a freak? Well if it does, than let's say 60% of the whole Western population (meaning Europe and America) is a freak. What I do is my business and no need from you to approve it. As long as it stays safe and it happens with mutual consent, than there is nothing wrong with it. You only live ones and you do not stay young forever so enjoy whatever comes your way. Even though I may be young, I know the path I have chosen and what the consequences may be but I have no regrets whatsoever. I am proud of who I am. If I disappointed you, well too bad...
Sale days have begun. Shopping has always been my cure for any kind of pain. But it is only temporarily. Once you get home, you start thinking about him again. Those clothes and perfume mean nothing anymore.
What I bought... Not much actually. A Dolce & Gabbana jacket. I saw that jacket like last month but I found it too expensive back then. Yesterday I saw it and fell in love all over again. I was so happy and also shocked that it was still there. One left! I was not really hoping it to be my size and when I saw it was... Oh boy my eyes were shining like the brightest star! It was actually the peak of my whole day, maybe even week. Sad hu? Finding a piece of tissue being the peak...
I also found a new perfume, Black Orchid by Tom Ford. I am sure y'all still remember Tom Ford. He was the designer of Gucci for quite a long time.
Talking about designers. Saturday I stopped by Wellens, a famous and expensive shop, and my mom said she saw the perfect shirt for me. I was like okay let me try it on. When I got to the fitting room, I think I almost had a heart attack! Did not pay attention to the print on the shirt at first but when I looked in the mirror, I saw the print being the face of John Galliano! I was like my eyes gotta be kidding me! Galliano? What is his excentric head doing on this shirt. Oh it's a shirt from his own label? Fine but that does not mean he has to pull a Paris Hilton and put his head on the shirt!
Friends are forever... Is that so? From what I experienced, friends are only for a certain time. People you trust the most are prepared to stab a knife into your back when they can advance. Or instead of confronting you with certain things, they rather thrive on fake information they received from other people. Is that how much they valued the friendship? Was it that less that it just can be distroyed by fake rumours? If that is the case, it was not real friendship and is not worth the energy and time to make things right again.
I haven't been the best friend myself. Instead of being happy that my girl got her intership, I am sulking because she is abandoning me and moving to a place far away instead of coming to see me! All those fun things we planned to do dissapeared like snow before the sun. But as a friend you should be happy and wish them good luck instead of being so selfish.
A lot of things are uncertain in life and we just have to accept that. We can all convince ourselves that we got everything in our own hands, but we all know that is not true.
Wishing y'all a good night and see you tomorrow...
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