Sometimes love is pain

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.
Sharon Stone

Had a convo with Peter today. It went from bad to worse. Calling me a liar and a fool. But the only person who is lying his he... he is lying to himself. He damn well knew I was still in love with him. But he refused to see it. And in that case it is easier to blame someone than to open your eyes.
Yeah indeed I did ask him about John, but not in the way he thinks. When I said I found his brother good looking, I knew I would get a reaction from him and I did get what I was hoping for. Even more than what I was hoping for! He got jealous and he showed more interest in me than he ever did.
So a couple of months ago I tried if the same trick worked again and I used one of his teammates (I even forgot the name already). This time the reaction was less but still there was a small reaction.
I believe last week he said he had a new girlfriend. Damn, bumper on my "small reaction". So today he was like "Can't talk cause I am doing things online with my girlfriend". This was one step too far! It's always the same with him so I was like "fine whatever" and from that moment we got in a pretty heavy discussion. I made him clear what was on my mind and mr. wasn't too happy that. Instead of being honest to himself, and admitting he knew I had still feelings for him, he started to call me names like fool and liar. Saying I want every guy. Him, his brother, ... and when I confronted him with his jealousy back in February when we talked about John, he didn't even had the courage to say he was indeed jealous. Nothing of that, he just blocked me!
Sometimes I wonder why I still love him. He can be a real jerk that knows the perfect things to dig a person deep into the ground. He can rip your heart in a thousand pieces in the blink of an eye. And still silly me loves him. Still I cry about him alost every night. Stupid I know... But tell that to my heart. It doesn't want to listen. It only screams his name.
I don't know how many tears I can shed for him. I cannot start to count how much I already cried... A river? No, more like the Atlantic Ocean...
But who am I? Only a liar in his eyes... I don't know what to feel. Tears are running over my cheeks, a deep pain inside me. Realizing this is really the end. All the dreams and hopes I had to get ever back with him are gone. All I ever said turned against me. I didn't want his brother at all. Why would I? I don't even know him. Same with his teammate. All I wanted is him... And yes Peter you were jealous and you couldn't stand the fact that I might get someone else! Deny it as much as you want! I never say anyone getting more jealous than you back then. That was what I aimed for and I got the reaction. Read between the lines and you will see my real intentions. At least if you are man enough to do so.
Wanna take my car and drive to his place to tell it to his face cause it's easy to hide behind a computer screen but I don't want to give him the satisfaction to see my red teared eyes. This is not worth it. I love him to death and one day he will remember my words and I... I will be having someone a million times better than him.
Remember my words... No one is irreplaceable, neither are you... Neither in my heart as on the soccer pitch. You were a great guy when you were in a good mood but you could be a straight up bastard when things didn't go the way you wanted it. You hurted me multiple times and I kept my mouth shut not to go in discussion with you. How do you call that? I gave you so much signs and you... you didn't care at all. It's my own stupid fault I didn't broke with you a long while ago but guess I can only remember the great things about you. Now you helped me reminding the bad things. But knowing me, I will forget this thing pretty soon and I will start longing for you again. Longing for something I cannot get and maybe that isn't too bad after all cause it will only bring me more pain than I am feeling now... But still my heart keeps calling your name. Stupid, stupid me...

Ok, let me whipe away my tears and talk about another subject. Remember when I talked about me wanting tattoos? Well guess what, I don't want only 1, I want 3! Yes Lolu, 3 and no you don't have to pull strange faces! They are all classy! I want the one on my back like Victoria Beckham, one on my shoulder and on my hip like Rihanna. 3 may sound much but they are not like huge designs (for example the tiger on Angelina Jolies back) but more discrete ones.

Ah sh*t I am crying again. Why do I love him this much?

Going to wrap it up and close my eyes to stop the tears from coming.